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How many couples do you know who are struggling to have children? Think again. Chances are, you are surrounded by them. Infertility, one of the few remaining taboo subjects in our society, affects nearly six million americans. Most of these couples suffer in silence.
For many people, the inability or difficulty to have children is a source of embarrassment. Our society places such a strong emphasis on motherhood that women struggling to conceive often feel defective and inadequate. The various causes of female infertility include endometriosis, Polycystic Ovarian Syndrome, hormone disorders, advanced maternal age, low ovarian reserve and in some cases, are completely unexplained.
For many men, the embarrassment runs even deeper. Many causes of male infertility are deeply tied to a man’s masculinity. Problems such as erectile dysfunction and low sperm count are hardly discussed among buddies on the golf course. Many men are even reluctant to discuss the problem with their spouses, much less visit a physician for testing and diagnosis. Denial also plays a large role. This embarrassment and denial often lead to a delay in diagnosis and treatment.
While medical science can resolve many of the infertility problems faced by couples, treatment does not come without a price, both financially and emotionally. In vitro fertilization procedures can cost between $10,000 and $15,000 per round of treatment. Drugs used for ovarian stimulation alone can cost $2,000 - $5,000 dollars. The financial strain caused by the cost of such procedures, rarely covered by insurance, along with the emotional stress involved in undergoing such extreme treatment place a sometimes insurmountable burden on a relationship.
Until two years ago, I never gave much thought to the problem of infertility. In my mind, infertility affected a very small percentage of the population and would likely never involve my family. I was wrong. My husband and I discovered that our only chance of having children together would be through in vitro fertilization. Treatment is hard and the responsibilities of treatment rest mostly with the woman. After treading water for the first few weeks and feeling completely alone, I longed for help, answers to my questions, and support from someone else who has been through this process. I turned to that great anonymous source of information and connections… the internet.
I joined the online chat room for couples struggling with IVF on ivillage.com. What I discovered there was immensely helpful but would forever change the way I view infertility. Here were hundreds of women, longing to have a child, suffering through the sometimes debilitating side effects of fertility drugs and sharing my feelings of isolation.
I am immensely grateful for the availability of that resource and I truly believe I might have given up long ago had it not been for the love and support I found in those chat rooms but while I took away feelings of support and kindness, I have also been left with an immense sadness.
They are everywhere…women who have spent years going through the arduous treatments for infertility, haunted by early miscarriages, facing second mortgages on their home to fund what some slowly realize may be just a pipe dream, some even facing the downfall of their relationship with their husband and many keeping these life-altering events a secret from family and friends. There are tears, frustration and the ultimate question… “why me?”.
But through the sadness and the secrets, these chat rooms have a common theme. Though you may not be able to tell your loved ones what you are going through “I’m here for you. I support you. I will hold your hand through this.” Where would we be without the internet?
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